Conversation with a Parent whose 12 yr Old Committed Suicide

This is one of those conversations that must be had. It isn't an easy one, but a necessary one. I hope it has a much needed impact and influence

Please tell the readers about your son JJ. From your perspective back then, what would you say you thought his life was like? 

My son was in the 7^th grade.  He was an honors student his whole life and part of the gate program.  He was heavily involved in school leadership and activities.  He was an avid video gamer and played youth soccer and baseball.  Most importantly he was a kind soul.  JJ would often give his own money to the homeless, volunteer to help someone if needed and always was the person who put a smile on your face if he saw you were down.  We never saw any signs of depression or being possibly suicidal.

Sounds like a regular kid. How old was he?

JJ was 12 years old when he took his life.  He was 3 weeks away from his 13^th birthday.

I know every parent considers their child a good kid and a kind soul. If it were possible, do you think there was an aspect of your kid you saw through rose colored lenses? (And I apologize if I sound like I’m implying you’re painting your kid as an angel, and he may not be)

Honestly no.  When he was born his nickname was Angel and he carried that through his life and now in heaven.  When he was in the 4^th or 5^th grade he actually talked a girl from taking her own life.  She spoke at his memorial and stated that he had saved her and she only wished he would have come to her so she could have done the same

Wow. That's sadly ironic.
Can you please describe how you found out he had committed suicide.

My wife, our 7 month old and our 16 year old son were at his Freshman baseball orientation.  After orientation we stopped to pick up some food for the family to take home.  While we were there our 16 year old son got a text from one of JJ’s friends that he told her he was going to take his own life.  We called home and asked my mother to check on him but his door was locked, and he didn’t answer.  We rushed home and I kicked the door in to find our son hanging from his door with a video game cord around his neck unresponsive.  My wife performed CPR for what seemed like 15 minutes before paramedics came.  When they came they got his heart beating but he was already brain dead.  We spent 3 days in the intensive care until we were finally able to donate his organs and let him rest in peace.

Wow. So he had shared his intention with his friends, and unfortunately none of them informed anyone?

He shared his intention with 1 friend 2 days before and at the time he took his life.  By the time she came to us that day it was already too late.  We actually are very close to his friend and their family now.  Problem is these kids are more worried about their friend being mad at them for saying something than losing them forever.  This is one of the issues we are working so hard to change.

Do you know why he did it?

He did not leave a note.  The only thing he told his friend was school and stuff but he had no known problems at school and was a straight A student and we don't know what stuff he was referring to.

When you had called home to contact your mom about JJ and his door was locked, and you had to rush home….how long was the drive home? Was there a feeling of impending dread in your stomach, like something wasn’t right, or did you try to stay optimistic and hopeful?

We were only 5 minutes away from home.  My wife said that when she hit the driveway she had a horrible feeling in her stomach, for me it was more surreal until she yelled for me to break down the door then reality set in.

In hindsight, what signs do you see that you missed? 

Through much research and training following his passing we did notice he was becoming increasingly angry or agitated.  At the time we chalked it up to hormones or just being a teenager but obviously it was so much more.  He also had once said you would be better off without me.  We also learned that he had told his friend he was thinking about killing himself 2 days before he did but they never reached out to anyone.

You raise some valuable points. “Idle comments” of kids may not be so idle. And kids should be encouraged to share any warning signals or concerns sooner than later.

I am a multiple suicide attempt survivor, and only once did I share with someone what I planned on doing. How do you think you would have reacted if JJ had pulled you aside to tell you he was being suicidal?

I wouldn’t have known what to do.  Our school district and the state of California in general were very behind and still are behind in suicide prevention awareness.  Obviously I would have done all that I could to save him but before becoming a suicide prevention nonprofit we wouldn’t have known as parents where to turn.

I can’t imagine what it is like to lose a son in such a way, and at such a tender age. Please describe how you processed such a loss.

I think we are still processing his loss.  It’s been 2 years and honestly it still seems like yesterday that he passed away.  I think we are dealing with his loss but focusing our attention on helping others and preventing further tragedy the best we can.  However we still break down and cry often especially after telling his story and speaking to groups of people.

How did each of your family members handle the grief?

My wife cries a lot.  She also goes to counseling.  Being the co-founder with me in our journey she focuses her attention on the kids and parents we speak to and often checks in on JJs friends to see how they are doing.

My mother and grandmother blamed themselves since they were home with him at the time.  They often ask what they could have done more.  They also go to counseling.

My now 18 year old son puts his time and energy into sports.  Him and JJ were the closest sharing a room and spending a lot of time together.  He wonders why JJ didn’t tell him.  He also gets counseling.

Our 8 year old daughter has become increasingly depressed.  She spent 2 weeks this year being treated after stating she also wanted to die.  It’s been hard but she gets regular counseling and seems to be ok now.

I’m sorry to hear that. This is a sensitive question to ask, so please bear with me. Does it seem like your 8 year old is suicidal, since she has stated it, and is going through depression? And as a parent who has lost a kid to this already, how do you treat her normally, yet not ignore the obvious?

She is definitely depressed but I wouldn’t classify her as suicidal.  After we took her in and she was kept for 3 days the doctors told us that the way she was expressing her sadness was that she wanted to be with her brother but because of her age didn’t fully understand that you cannot come back from suicide that it is permanent.  We definitely watch her closely and talk more openly as a family about how we are feeling and it seems to help her.  But with all our kids the idea that one of them might also take their lives has us on high alert all the time.  Its something we can’t ignore now no matter how hard we may want to try.

Obviously you may not know the answer to this, but how do you think JJ figured out how to take his life? I'm an adult, and I know it wasnt easy trying to find the most effective way to commit suicide.

The internet.  We found several searches on his tablet that were about suicide.  You can find anything online now a days. 

Of course, the internet. Sigh!

Please tell us about the foundation you created in JJ's memory

JJ’s Hello Foundation is a youth mental health and suicide prevention foundation.  We are a registered nonprofit tax id 81-2811004.  We have several programs including the “Can you hear me cards”, a monthly suicide survivors support group, an 8^th grade leadership award.  We also speak in the community at schools or to parents and students about the dangers of depression and suicidal thoughts.  Our goal is to end suicide and to promote positive youth mental health.  Our slogan is Starting the conversation of youth mental health.

Lately, the suicide rates have been getting higher and higher, and the ages getting younger and younger. I read about a 10 year old hanging himself. How has your foundation been able to have an impact?

I think our biggest impact has been raising awareness.  Most families choose to stay silent whether its due to shame or the stigmas surround mental health issues while our family has not.  By speaking openly and honestly about our tragedy we open people’s eyes.

What tell tale signs should parents be on the look out for regarding their kids?

Learn to recognize the warning signs of suicide:
Sense of hopelessness about the future; Drastic changes in behavior or personality; Uncharacteristic impulsiveness, recklessness or risk-taking; Expressions of rage, uncontrolled anger, aggressive behavior; Preoccupation with death, dying, or suicide through writing, talking or artwork; Giving away prized possessions; Loss of interest in personal appearance; Increased use of alcohol or drugs; Withdrawal from friends, family and/or society; Extreme anxiety or agitation, inability to sleep, or sleeping all the time; A recent severe stressor, such as real or anticipated loss of a relationship, unplanned pregnancy, the victim of bullying or family conflict; A previous suicide attempt or exposure to another's suicidal behavior; Verbal signs such: "I'm so tired, I don't feel like I can take this any longer", "I don't want to be a bother anymore", "I want you to know something, in case something happens to me"

Very great signs you point out. And how should parents respond if they suspect their children may be suicidal? In your opinion, what ways would be wrong and detrimental, and what would be more proactive ways to respond?

A parent should have an open dialogue about it.  Ask them directly.  If they are then treat the matter respectfully.  Explain to them that feeling depressed sad can be normal but sadness to the point of suicide they may need additional help.  Ask them what got them to this point and if it would be ok to talk to someone else a professional about how they are feeling.  Some teens may refuse help and at that point as a parent you must do whatever it takes to get them that help even if it means calling an authority to take them in.  Any mention of suicide is serious and no matter what cannot be ignored.

How do you think the conversation about mental health awareness, and addressing repressed pain can be brought up with a young child?

I think just like with adults having an open and honest conversation with them is the best way to address it.  Kids want to know that their feelings are validated and by having an honest conversation you are showing them that they don’t need to be ashamed of their feelings.

As an adult, how do you address mental health issues you may experience?

Before this happened I would have kept those feelings bottled up.  But I understand now talking about them is the best way to address them.  There are so many people going through the same things and feeling the same things and so many people willing to help.

It is unfortunate, but in 2018, some people still see going to therapy or seeing a counselor and talking about bottled up feelings as less than masculine, or being “soft”. How would you respond to such critics?

I would point out the countless celebrities and sports athletes that have come out recently and talked openly about getting help.  Kevin Love, Steph Curry and countless others are beginning the conversation to show even the strongest of us feel down or have anxiety or are suicidal at some point.  Its ok to not be ok.

How can readers support your foundation?

They can support our foundation in many ways.  Readers can visit our website www.hellofund.org, follow us on Facebook, twitter, Instagram and YouTube.  They can donate on our website, order “Can you hear me cards”.  Ultimately the best way to support us through word of mouth.  By telling people about what we do we cannot only continue to raise funding but save lives which is the most important.

Obviously, this suicide scourge that's sweeping through our society transcends belief systems, culture and religion. Are you open to being invited by organizations that transcend culture and religion?

Absolutely we are open to all walks and faiths.  If they are willing to listen we are as well.

Any parting words to share with the readers?

I would like to make sure everyone reading this understands that suicide does not discriminate.  Suicide and depression effect all walks of life, all races, all faiths, all economic groups.  The only way to truly end suicide is to create an open, honest world where we stand next to someone different from us and are willing to ask them how they are doing and do what it takes to help them if needed.  Our foundation works tirelessly each day to put an end to youth suicide., but we do need everyone’s help.  We run completely on funding from the public.  We have no corporate sponsors.  We do not pay anyone associated with our foundation everyone including my wife are 100% volunteer.  All money donated to the foundation goes back in the communities we serve to end suicide.

Thank you for your time, efforts, and for sharing the memory of JJ with us