Conversation with a Parent whose 12 yr Old Committed Suicide

This is one of those conversations that must be had. It isn't an easy one, but a necessary one. I hope it has a much needed impact and influence

Please tell the readers about your son JJ. From your perspective back then, what would you say you thought his life was like? 

My son was in the 7^th grade.  He was an honors student his whole life and part of the gate program.  He was heavily involved in school leadership and activities.  He was an avid video gamer and played youth soccer and baseball.  Most importantly he was a kind soul.  JJ would often give his own money to the homeless, volunteer to help someone if needed and always was the person who put a smile on your face if he saw you were down.  We never saw any signs of depression or being possibly suicidal.

Sounds like a regular kid. How old was he?

JJ was 12 years old when he took his life.  He was 3 weeks away from his 13^th birthday.

I know every parent considers their child a good kid and a kind soul. If it were possible, do you think there was an aspect of your kid you saw through rose colored lenses? (And I apologize if I sound like I’m implying you’re painting your kid as an angel, and he may not be)

Honestly no.  When he was born his nickname was Angel and he carried that through his life and now in heaven.  When he was in the 4^th or 5^th grade he actually talked a girl from taking her own life.  She spoke at his memorial and stated that he had saved her and she only wished he would have come to her so she could have done the same

Wow. That's sadly ironic.
Can you please describe how you found out he had committed suicide.

My wife, our 7 month old and our 16 year old son were at his Freshman baseball orientation.  After orientation we stopped to pick up some food for the family to take home.  While we were there our 16 year old son got a text from one of JJ’s friends that he told her he was going to take his own life.  We called home and asked my mother to check on him but his door was locked, and he didn’t answer.  We rushed home and I kicked the door in to find our son hanging from his door with a video game cord around his neck unresponsive.  My wife performed CPR for what seemed like 15 minutes before paramedics came.  When they came they got his heart beating but he was already brain dead.  We spent 3 days in the intensive care until we were finally able to donate his organs and let him rest in peace.

Wow. So he had shared his intention with his friends, and unfortunately none of them informed anyone?

He shared his intention with 1 friend 2 days before and at the time he took his life.  By the time she came to us that day it was already too late.  We actually are very close to his friend and their family now.  Problem is these kids are more worried about their friend being mad at them for saying something than losing them forever.  This is one of the issues we are working so hard to change.

Do you know why he did it?

He did not leave a note.  The only thing he told his friend was school and stuff but he had no known problems at school and was a straight A student and we don't know what stuff he was referring to.

When you had called home to contact your mom about JJ and his door was locked, and you had to rush home….how long was the drive home? Was there a feeling of impending dread in your stomach, like something wasn’t right, or did you try to stay optimistic and hopeful?

We were only 5 minutes away from home.  My wife said that when she hit the driveway she had a horrible feeling in her stomach, for me it was more surreal until she yelled for me to break down the door then reality set in.

In hindsight, what signs do you see that you missed? 

Through much research and training following his passing we did notice he was becoming increasingly angry or agitated.  At the time we chalked it up to hormones or just being a teenager but obviously it was so much more.  He also had once said you would be better off without me.  We also learned that he had told his friend he was thinking about killing himself 2 days before he did but they never reached out to anyone.

You raise some valuable points. “Idle comments” of kids may not be so idle. And kids should be encouraged to share any warning signals or concerns sooner than later.

I am a multiple suicide attempt survivor, and only once did I share with someone what I planned on doing. How do you think you would have reacted if JJ had pulled you aside to tell you he was being suicidal?

I wouldn’t have known what to do.  Our school district and the state of California in general were very behind and still are behind in suicide prevention awareness.  Obviously I would have done all that I could to save him but before becoming a suicide prevention nonprofit we wouldn’t have known as parents where to turn.

I can’t imagine what it is like to lose a son in such a way, and at such a tender age. Please describe how you processed such a loss.

I think we are still processing his loss.  It’s been 2 years and honestly it still seems like yesterday that he passed away.  I think we are dealing with his loss but focusing our attention on helping others and preventing further tragedy the best we can.  However we still break down and cry often especially after telling his story and speaking to groups of people.

How did each of your family members handle the grief?

My wife cries a lot.  She also goes to counseling.  Being the co-founder with me in our journey she focuses her attention on the kids and parents we speak to and often checks in on JJs friends to see how they are doing.

My mother and grandmother blamed themselves since they were home with him at the time.  They often ask what they could have done more.  They also go to counseling.

My now 18 year old son puts his time and energy into sports.  Him and JJ were the closest sharing a room and spending a lot of time together.  He wonders why JJ didn’t tell him.  He also gets counseling.

Our 8 year old daughter has become increasingly depressed.  She spent 2 weeks this year being treated after stating she also wanted to die.  It’s been hard but she gets regular counseling and seems to be ok now.

I’m sorry to hear that. This is a sensitive question to ask, so please bear with me. Does it seem like your 8 year old is suicidal, since she has stated it, and is going through depression? And as a parent who has lost a kid to this already, how do you treat her normally, yet not ignore the obvious?

She is definitely depressed but I wouldn’t classify her as suicidal.  After we took her in and she was kept for 3 days the doctors told us that the way she was expressing her sadness was that she wanted to be with her brother but because of her age didn’t fully understand that you cannot come back from suicide that it is permanent.  We definitely watch her closely and talk more openly as a family about how we are feeling and it seems to help her.  But with all our kids the idea that one of them might also take their lives has us on high alert all the time.  Its something we can’t ignore now no matter how hard we may want to try.

Obviously you may not know the answer to this, but how do you think JJ figured out how to take his life? I'm an adult, and I know it wasnt easy trying to find the most effective way to commit suicide.

The internet.  We found several searches on his tablet that were about suicide.  You can find anything online now a days. 

Of course, the internet. Sigh!

Please tell us about the foundation you created in JJ's memory

JJ’s Hello Foundation is a youth mental health and suicide prevention foundation.  We are a registered nonprofit tax id 81-2811004.  We have several programs including the “Can you hear me cards”, a monthly suicide survivors support group, an 8^th grade leadership award.  We also speak in the community at schools or to parents and students about the dangers of depression and suicidal thoughts.  Our goal is to end suicide and to promote positive youth mental health.  Our slogan is Starting the conversation of youth mental health.

Lately, the suicide rates have been getting higher and higher, and the ages getting younger and younger. I read about a 10 year old hanging himself. How has your foundation been able to have an impact?

I think our biggest impact has been raising awareness.  Most families choose to stay silent whether its due to shame or the stigmas surround mental health issues while our family has not.  By speaking openly and honestly about our tragedy we open people’s eyes.

What tell tale signs should parents be on the look out for regarding their kids?

Learn to recognize the warning signs of suicide:
Sense of hopelessness about the future; Drastic changes in behavior or personality; Uncharacteristic impulsiveness, recklessness or risk-taking; Expressions of rage, uncontrolled anger, aggressive behavior; Preoccupation with death, dying, or suicide through writing, talking or artwork; Giving away prized possessions; Loss of interest in personal appearance; Increased use of alcohol or drugs; Withdrawal from friends, family and/or society; Extreme anxiety or agitation, inability to sleep, or sleeping all the time; A recent severe stressor, such as real or anticipated loss of a relationship, unplanned pregnancy, the victim of bullying or family conflict; A previous suicide attempt or exposure to another's suicidal behavior; Verbal signs such: "I'm so tired, I don't feel like I can take this any longer", "I don't want to be a bother anymore", "I want you to know something, in case something happens to me"

Very great signs you point out. And how should parents respond if they suspect their children may be suicidal? In your opinion, what ways would be wrong and detrimental, and what would be more proactive ways to respond?

A parent should have an open dialogue about it.  Ask them directly.  If they are then treat the matter respectfully.  Explain to them that feeling depressed sad can be normal but sadness to the point of suicide they may need additional help.  Ask them what got them to this point and if it would be ok to talk to someone else a professional about how they are feeling.  Some teens may refuse help and at that point as a parent you must do whatever it takes to get them that help even if it means calling an authority to take them in.  Any mention of suicide is serious and no matter what cannot be ignored.

How do you think the conversation about mental health awareness, and addressing repressed pain can be brought up with a young child?

I think just like with adults having an open and honest conversation with them is the best way to address it.  Kids want to know that their feelings are validated and by having an honest conversation you are showing them that they don’t need to be ashamed of their feelings.

As an adult, how do you address mental health issues you may experience?

Before this happened I would have kept those feelings bottled up.  But I understand now talking about them is the best way to address them.  There are so many people going through the same things and feeling the same things and so many people willing to help.

It is unfortunate, but in 2018, some people still see going to therapy or seeing a counselor and talking about bottled up feelings as less than masculine, or being “soft”. How would you respond to such critics?

I would point out the countless celebrities and sports athletes that have come out recently and talked openly about getting help.  Kevin Love, Steph Curry and countless others are beginning the conversation to show even the strongest of us feel down or have anxiety or are suicidal at some point.  Its ok to not be ok.

How can readers support your foundation?

They can support our foundation in many ways.  Readers can visit our website www.hellofund.org, follow us on Facebook, twitter, Instagram and YouTube.  They can donate on our website, order “Can you hear me cards”.  Ultimately the best way to support us through word of mouth.  By telling people about what we do we cannot only continue to raise funding but save lives which is the most important.

Obviously, this suicide scourge that's sweeping through our society transcends belief systems, culture and religion. Are you open to being invited by organizations that transcend culture and religion?

Absolutely we are open to all walks and faiths.  If they are willing to listen we are as well.

Any parting words to share with the readers?

I would like to make sure everyone reading this understands that suicide does not discriminate.  Suicide and depression effect all walks of life, all races, all faiths, all economic groups.  The only way to truly end suicide is to create an open, honest world where we stand next to someone different from us and are willing to ask them how they are doing and do what it takes to help them if needed.  Our foundation works tirelessly each day to put an end to youth suicide., but we do need everyone’s help.  We run completely on funding from the public.  We have no corporate sponsors.  We do not pay anyone associated with our foundation everyone including my wife are 100% volunteer.  All money donated to the foundation goes back in the communities we serve to end suicide.

Thank you for your time, efforts, and for sharing the memory of JJ with us

Conversation with Yvonne Lewis

Dr Yvonne Lewis wears many hats, from Cable channel executive, to being an accomplished musician, to being a doctor and entrepreneur.. I was first aware of her immense gift when I head her doing back up for Luther Vandross, and later releasing her wildly popular debut CD back in the nineties. Fast forward YEARS later, and I have been privileged to have an edition of Conversations with her. 

Where do we start? I’m glad we finally get a chance to do this. To introduce yourself to the readers, who would you say Yvonne Lewis is?

That’s an interesting question, because I have so many facets, kind of like an onion—multi-layered. I’m a Christian black woman who is a wife, mother, singer, Christian television executive, and author. This isn’t necessarily the correct order, but you get the picture.

I completely understand. I became acquainted with you from your first CD, “No strangers in Paradise” (1995), available on iTunes. The heart and beauty of it, along with the message of it, as well as it being so contemporary arrested me. That must seem like light years ago. What do you remember about making that CD?

(One of the songs on the cd)

It DOES seem like such a long time ago! There are several things that stand out about that project for me. Probably what’s most prominent in my mind was the fact that I was going through a devastating time in my personal life. My home was in foreclosure, I was a single (divorced) mother, and I was being forced to leave. I had owed the IRS a lot of money, and they were garnishing my residuals (from the jingles that I’d recorded), and leaving me with less than what I could survive on. I didn’t know where I was going to go. So, on that CD when I recorded “God Will Make a Way”, I was singing it to myself, encouraging myself that He would take care of me, just as He always had. It’s funny. During the hours of recording, I was having a blast praising God! My spiritual mentor, Pastor CA Murray, would come to the studio and hang out. I truly didn’t even think about my situation until I would travel home from the studio at night. It was then that I would think about my financial condition. But the Lord kept me so occupied during the day, that I wasn’t depressed. I was elated in Him! The second thing that stands out is the caliber of musicians and singers that helped me on the project. My producer, Dana Reed, and arranger, Jerry Hutchinson (whose name never appeared on the cover, due to an error on my and Dana’s part), were so talented! Then, my background singer friends came and helped me. Singers like Luther Vandross, Cissy Houston, Tawatha Agee, Vaneese Thomas, Frank and Babi Floyd, James (D-Train) Williams, Diva Gray, Dennis Collins, Fonzi Thornton, etc. What a line-up of talent! We all had fun, and could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in the studio. It was anointed!

Wow! That's an incredible testimony! To think your life appeared to be falling apart literally by forces beyond your control, yet in the midst of it, you birthed a project that captured so much hope and promise. That actually is speaking volumes to me right now. Thank you.
By the way, awesome line up of name dropping. Lol 😃

Moving forward to this most recent recording of yours, “Magnify him” (2017), what would you say has changed compared to your previous recording?

(Exclusively available to purchase on her cable network's ONLINE STORE)

My experience with this current project is very different from my first one. I am no longer involved in the NY background/studio scene, although I still love and cherish my friends there. I am currently the General Manager of 3ABN’s urban network, “Dare to Dream”. Therefore, I have a stable income and a more settled life. My husband, Danny Shelton, is the President and Founder of 3ABN, and what a blessing he is to my life! This CD has several of the songs that I have previously recorded for 3ABN with large, lush orchestral arrangements, and probably demonstrates a bit more versatility in vocal style than did my first CD. I guess the listeners will have to determine that.

(Learn more about the network)

(Performing one of her tracks from her new CD "Magnify Him" 2017)

I most definitely second the vocal versatility demonstrated. Sandi Patty has always been one of my favorite singers because of the pure voice, and how it builds up in the song into a stratospheric climax in that high note. So I was pleasantly thrilled to hear you do something similar so effortlessly. What can you tell us about your musical training and journey to this point? Obviously you have mileage in your musical pedigree.

I honestly didn’t have much formal musical training. When I was in college, I studied for one semester with Alleyne Dumas-Lee, a wonderful soprano, who gave me arias in German and Italian to sing. In New York, I had a great vocal coach, Martin Lawrence, who helped me with vocal “blending” (moving from one vocal register to the next). Other than that, virtually no additional vocal training. I grew up in a musical household. My parents both sang, but my Dad had an unparalleled love for singing. He was a real crooner in his day. My maternal grandmother was a coloratura soprano, who gave concerts internationally. My aunt, Carol Thomas, was a wonderful singer and pianist. My paternal grandmother had a strong soprano voice. My uncle, Howard Hodge, was a very successful pianist/arranger, who arranged charts for singers like Tom Jones, Helen Reddy, Freda Payne, and even the actress, Kathryn Hepburn. Music was in my family. It’s in my DNA.

Um, I think you are modestly downplaying the wealth of training learned in just one semester, especially if you were able to do arias in German and Italian.

With this CD project of yours, I noticed the CD has a very specific intention of exalting and celebrating the greatness of God, hence the well-fitting title, Magnify Him. What would you like to share with us regarding the concept, vision and making of this CD?

Yes! The whole idea of this project is to magnify the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. When I sing, I always try to bring the listener with me into the presence of God through worship. It is to worship the Almighty, the Creator of the Universe. The Giver and Sustainer of all life! The music isn’t to point to me as the singer. It is to be a vertical experience. Not horizontal. Therefore, when I sing, “Your Grace Still Amazes Me” and “Just Once More”, I’m inviting the listener to worship the Lord with me, and to thank Him for the grace and love that He shows even when we don’t deserve it. The title song, “Magnify Him” has an interesting story attached to it. On Dare to Dream, we have a music program by the same name. We needed a song for the program, so I asked the Lord to give me a song for it, and He did! He gave me the lyrics and the tune! Now, I don’t consider myself a great songwriter, but the Lord did it! He gave me the whole song, and it’s the theme song for the program, and the name of the CD. God is amazing!

Let’s segue for a minute. You dabbled into Eastern unorthodox medicine in the past. What exactly did you invest into, and what attracted you to it?

 

In the 90’s, I developed a passion for alternative medicine! I loved the study of herbs and supplements, and could name a natural alternative to many of the pharmaceuticals that were on the market. As a jingle singer, I had a lot of “down time”, in which I wasn’t working. So, I decided to pursue alternative medicine. I am a driven person, and whatever I get involved with, I throw myself into. I became a naturopathic doctor, massage therapist, certified reflexologist, iridologist, and auriculotherapist. I later studied acupuncture and was licensed and board certified in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). I had a medical practice in Dallas for 5 years. What attracted me to it? Honestly, as I look back on it, I realize that my pride had a lot to do with it. I loved the idea that I could just touch someone’s hand, and their headache would vanish! I enjoyed knowing things that others didn’t know, and my pride led me to study and explore all of these modalities. I wanted to be the best at it, both for my patients’s sake, as well as my own.

You eventually transitioned from that practice. What did you discover that led to this change?

Minister Kenneth, believe it or not, you had a part to play in my departure from TCM! Several years ago, you reached out to me about “Just Once More”, a song from my “No Strangers in Paradise” CD. When I told you that I practiced acupuncture, you asked me how I could reconcile that with my Christianity. I was a bit miffed, but I thought about it. The Lord also led me to some resources that absolutely convinced me that I was to turn away from acupuncture. It is based on astrology, which is forbidden to us Christians. Once I realized that He was calling me out of it, I dropped it, and God has shown Himself to be more than faithful ever since!

I am humbled to think I was part of the process. And I remember that conversation. Lol. In my unfiltered manner, I unsolicitedly share my opinion. And I would dare say your response back to me didnt suggest you were a "little" miffed. Hahaha! 

Anyway, moving along. You currently are a broadcaster in an urban Christian cable network, and an executive. Congratulations! That’s an awesome platform. Please tell us more about this new chapter in your career, and how you got on this amazing journey?

It HAS been an amazing journey! You see, when I left acupuncture, which was 95% of my income, I finished a book that I had begun called, “GREAT DAYS: 9 Principles to Revolutionize Your Life”. When I finished the book, my spiritual mentor, C.A. Murray, who was working at 3ABN, invited me to come there for an interview on their flagship program, “3ABN Today”. I gladly went, and Pastor C.A. had another engagement off site. He asked the President and Founder of the network, Danny Shelton, to do the interview. He also told him that since I wasn’t familiar with the area, would he take me to lunch. Hmmm. I think maybe he had an agenda, don’t you? Anyway, Danny Shelton and I hit it off from the outset! Over time, he talked with me about my heart for the inner city, and felt impressed that I should be the head of 3ABN’s urban network. Look at God! If I hadn’t left acupuncture, I wouldn’t have had the most outstanding ministry career of my lifetime! AND I have the greatest husband in the world, because I married Danny Shelton!

(Introducing Yvonne and her family)

Seems it was divinely orchestrated for you guys to be.......through the not so subtle introduction by your mentor! Lol. What programs do produce, and how do viewers worldwide watch them?

The Lord impressed me to identify the challenges confronting inner-city residents, and then to design programming that addresses those concerns. Therefore, we have programs on relationships and parenting (“RD 2 Romance”,“Pumped Up Parents”, “A Father’s Heart”, “Live to Be Well”), health and lifestyle (“A Taste of Paradise”, “Chew’s Challenge”, and “Creative Cooking”), employment (“Workin’ the Dream”), a program for ex-offenders, hosted by an ex-offender (“The New Journey”), music (“Magnify Him”), and much, much more! Our most popular program is “Salvation in Symbols and Signs”, our prophecy program, where we learn about the books of Revelation and Daniel. We literally receive at least one email every day about it. 

There are several ways to watch D2D. It is streamed 24/7 online. If you have a smartphone or tablet, you can download the 3ABN app, click on the “D”, and voila! Or, you can purchase a Roku Box, and watch D2D on your TV. Additionally, we have a YouTube channel where you can watch many of our programs on demand.

That's awesome! A lot of original programming!

What should we look forward to from you this year?

Dare to Dream is producing some great new programs this year! We are putting a new teen program together, which will address some major concerns of our urban teens. We also are continuing to produce our prophecy program (“Salvation in Symbols and Signs”), which is our most popular program. We completed the Book of Revelation, now we’ll focus on Daniel. Musically speaking, I’m currently working on a music project for 3ABN that includes multiple artists and flavors. The theme is the 3 Angels Messages of Revelation 14. It’s a joy to work with some of the top producers, arrangers and artists in the gospel music industry. I also am doing more song writing this year, and am amazed at the way the Lord inspires! I recently co-wrote a song with my friend, Tim Parton, called “Your Love Lifts Me Up”. It’s about how I let the Lord down. I was losing my way, but Jesus’s love lifted me up and removed all doubt, fear and shame.

God literally impressed me with the lyrics in a morning, and gave Tim a melody for it about an hour after I sent him the lyrics.  I cry every time I hear the song.

Indeed! Thank God for his mercies and consistent faithfulness to us. I look forward to hearing this song, as well as the other musical projects you have cooking.

I saw an interview of you with your son. Can you tell us more about your family?

I’ve already told you about my wonderful husband, Danny. He has blessed me with his two daughters, Melody and Trinity (now mine), and I brought my two sons into the family. Melody is a wonderful wife, mother, singer and song-writer. Trinity is a straight-A student, who’s graduating from high school this year. My sons are very special young men! They love the Lord, and have amazing testimonies of their own. They both had some problems in their youth, but God has really turned their lives around. My older son, Marc, continues to move forward with his life. Marc just completed his vocational training, and is looking forward to new employment opportunities. My younger son, Jason, is my assistant at Dare to Dream. He is often featured on various programs on D2D, as well as 3ABN parent network. It’s a privilege to see my kids grow into their divine destiny. Between us, Danny and I have 10 grandchildren, and others that we consider “our kids”.  I’m proud and thankful for all of them!

The miracle is when the problem child is transformed into a blessing. We know then it is strictly a God thing, and he alone gets the glory!
What last words would you like to share with our readers, especially this season when most people are making commitments to change and aspirations?

Be sure to include God in the mix! You can save yourself so much time and energy that way. Think about it: you have the all-knowing, all-powerful God who longs for you to know Him better. He wants to bless your socks off. Are you standing in the way of your own blessings? Are you making time for God? Trust Him to see you through every situation. He’ll ALWAYS have your back!

Thank you, Dr Yvonne Lewis for your time given to this conversation